>Quietly Busy

>Life is quiet right now.
Well, on the outside that is.
Austin is in the midst of a two week seminary class in St. Louis which means I’m in the midst of two weeks flying solo. I didn’t think I would miss him already but I do. It’s crazy how fast your life adjusts to having another person around. All is quiet with the exception of Chauncey on the floor chewing away on a rubber chicken. The house is quiet but my mind is busy.

Busy with the unknowns. I’m becoming more and more aware that my life is being propelled into an entirely different direction. In about five months, I will bring a child into the world and while that is one of the most exciting things I have ever anticipated, it is beginning to scare the heck out of me. Simply because of the unknowns. What will it look like to not work full time? What will my social life look like? Are we going to make enough money to make ends meet? Will my friendships look the same? Will I know how to take care of baby?

I’m afraid they will hand me this child and I will simply have no idea what to do with it. I couldn’t be more excited but I also couldn’t be more aware of my inadequacy. I mean, me? A mom? That’s always someone else.Yet, as I feel the little one starting to move around in me, it becomes more and more real. Ready or not, it’s coming.

I have moments of pure excitement followed by moments of crippling inadequacy. I’m sure I’m not the first mom-to-be to feel this way but the waves of different emotions are never ending.

It’s funny to look around and think, every person I see was in someone’s womb at some point. Every single person I see had a mother who probably felt the same way. Every single person I see mostly likely had a mom that delighted over the first ultrasound, was thrilled to feel their first kick, talked to their pregnant belly with hopes the baby could hear them and was at some point fearful to bring a child into the world. This sounds weird, but it makes me value people more. Even people I don’t know. They had a pregnant mother who was so excited to bring them in the world and meet them. It just seems to give everyone more value.

Anyway, I didn’t even plan on writing a blog about this. I just started typing and all this came gushing out. I guess that’s what happens when a gal doesn’t have a husband around to listen to workings of a pregnant mind. I also told myself a while back that I wanted to be a bit more personal and vulnerable on my blog. So there ya go. I’m sure tomorrow I will be in an entirely different mood. 🙂


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