>Today was a revealing day.
For my heart.
I really think God opened my eyes to how much fear I have in my life. I’ve never been described as a fearful/anxious person. However, I think the fear I have hides itself in my desire to control things and get my way.
As I was driving home from a friend’s house tonight, I was just gripped with the reality of how much fear I have in my life right now. I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid we aren’t ready to be parents. I’m afraid of going from two salaries to one. I’m afraid that Austin’s support won’t be enough for us to live on. I’m afraid that he’ll be so busy with seminary and Veritas that I’ll be left to fend for myself at home with the baby. I’m afraid we will have a crisis we won’t be able to pay for. I’m just so afraid of so many things right now.
I didn’t realize how much fear had taken hold in my life until I recognized my selfish and controlling demeanor towards Austin lately. I saw how snippy I was getting. How quick I was to point out weakness rather than praise his strengths. How tightly I was holding on to every penny we spent. How quick I was to assume the worst about his motivations. This fear is leading me to want control. Over him. Over our money. Over life. My fear is causing me to push and manipulate to get my way. To add burden. To add stress.
It’s a miserable place to be. It’s miserable to look at your husband as a source of provision rather than as a person you are called to love, care for, and encourage. It’s miserable to look at him and to focus on the weaknesses rather than the amazing amount of strengths he has. It’s miserable to be dominated by the fear of the unknown. It’s miserable to think my security comes from a bank account.
As I thought about it more, I realize that my fear is ultimately coming from a lack of trust in God. I am looking to Austin to be my ultimate provider, not God. I’m looking at our bank account for security, not God. Of course I am fearful when I am expecting a human to play God’s role. He wasn’t meant to do that. Only God can be God. These fears are stemming from a mistrust of his control and goodness. Fear is believing that I have more control than God does.
It’s a painful thing when God opens your eyes to sin. It’s even more painful when you see how it hurts the people you love most.
Lord, forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for my lack of trust. Forgive me for not looking to you as my provider. My security. My fulfillment. Forgive me for putting those on a person and not you. Forgive me for attempting to find security in a salary. You promise to give us what we need. You promise you will never leave or forsake us. You promise that all things are working for the good of those who love you. Forgive me of my worship of other things besides you.